For some reason, I’m only now fully understanding this. I’ve now gained empathy for those in seemingly bad relationships who don’t leave. How?
Well, as I look back on my last relationship, I see the following:
- I was in a relationship where during the times my partner says things were ok (for her more or less), I had problems. Problems big enough to bring to her that I felt we needed to find some way to fix. And she didn’t actually put forth any effort to help me deal with these things. Despite us being in a relationship. Despite her saying that she cared for me. Despite me bringing things up numerous times.
- Even though clearly there was an issue with us, she never shared how she really felt with me. I opened up to her about issues I was having in our relationship, she kept hers to herself.
- When her issues finally crossed whatever threshold necessary to become problematic for her, instead of wanting to talk to me about it, perhaps find some way to work it out, she jumped straight to deciding whether to end the relationship. Even though the issue wasn’t something that is an “automatic relationship ender”.
Now, if someone else were to describe any one of these scenarios in their relationship. My immediate response would be there is something wrong. This relationship isn’t healthy. Yet blinded by love, blinded by feelings for her, I jumped immediately to any excuse or explanation that seemed plausible.
- If your partner ignores or marginalizes your relationship issues and doesn’t contribute to finding solutions. You are in an unhealthy relationship.
- If your partner does not discuss their issues with you, but instead moves to deciding whether to end things, that implies one (or more) of several things:
- That they have already had issues with you that they tried to work out, but failed.
- That the issue is something so bad, you are incredibly lucky that they’re even considering still staying with you (you cheated, domestic violence, etc).
- They don’t actually care about you or take you seriously, respect you as an adult, respect you as an equal, see you as an equal participant in the relationship.
- Or it is quite possible that they don’t know what an actual relationship entails or you have stupidly entered into a relationship where they have quite a different definition of what kind of relationship you were in (I thought I was in a long term relationship where we were looking to see how well we fit together, how we deal with issues that come up, how we work together, etc).
And to add insult to injury, after us having these discussions where I talk about the issues I’m seeing, trying to propose solutions, solicit solutions, ideas, etc and getting nowhere, she now has her stuff come up. . . and it doesn’t occur to her to talk to me about it.
Its like we were both adrift together at see and I’m panicking, trying to find life vests or rafts to save us, but she thought it wasn’t too bad. But despite my obvious panic and attempts to find something to hold onto, she doesn’t even bother helping me, just sees my panic, and raises me – it is not important. But then, one morning, she realizes that we are really adrift and do need rescue and by some miracle, sights a life raft, jumps into the raft and gets to shore. With no warning or even telling me. Just leaves me to be surprised and caught off guard. And by some miracle, I too make it to shore. And she wonders after all that, why I don’t want to remain friends.
Now that emotions aren’t currently clouding my judgment, there is no way I can be friends with a person who treated me like that. No matter what the reason. It doesn’t matter whether she did it on purpose or by accident. I just can’t. I’m not that forgiving, forgetful, or open hearted.
There is some serious self delusion here. How could she be affectionate and initiate physical contact and intimacy for two months, then not because “she’s not an affectionate person”? Either she is deluding herself on that point, or she was faking it from the beginning. So the best explanation is neither. There is some other reason and she’s just feeding me the line that she thinks (or for some reason really believes) would make me feel best about the relationship ending.
Her feeling she couldn’t make me happy or keep me happy due to differing sex drives is bullshit. Many relationships have mismatched sex drives. That is nothing new, different or special. We knew this ahead of time and we talked about it. And, most importantly, the amount of sex we were having was never that big an issue for me. Yes, I’d brought it up once or twice earlier – though in those cases, I’d explained that what was more important and meant was that I didn’t feel we had been spending enough time together. But in the last 1.5 months of our relationship there is no way sex could have been an issue caused by me.
This is perhaps the single best way to thoroughly vaporize any bridge between a person. Create a situation where when they look back over their entire relationship with you without the filter of what they felt for you, they lose the ability to match your words to your actions. At best that I can make out, I was just a glorified friend. A winter beau . . . or fall beau in this case, since winter isn’t quite yet over. It would seem there was never any intent that this relationship last beyond a few months. Perhaps she even tried to tell me that in the beginning of our relationship – she never intended to date me or give me her number.
For those looking for real life examples of dramatic irony, here is one. So I’ve always tried in various blogs to write on a daily basis. If you go to the first few of this blog, you’ll see I even tried that here. But it has never worked. Then I thought I’d finally hit upon a concept that would work for me. A blog where I could talk about things inspired by my own relationship. Perfect right? I’d never beat a loss for material. So no way I’d fall off from daily writing. Just didn’t occur to me that it would be the relationship that could end thus ending my daily blog. Didn’t last past 19 days. I guess this is also an example of cosmic irony too.
And also, this confirms it, school somehow has a negative effect on my relationships. Every single one has ended within a few weeks of the end of a semester. (Yes, I know this is one of the worst posts grammatically for me. Guess how much of a fuck I give).