January 24, 2012 Leave a comment
So. . . clearly I’ve been angry. And as much as I’ve been angry, I can’t bring myself to hate her. The whole thing was too confusing and the storyline didn’t make sense. Until now. I don’t know if I’m correct, but I’m going to choose to believe that she was telling the truth, both to me and to herself. And if that is the case, the root cause of why this breakup has generated so much emotional turmoil for me is just something pretty simple. I’d almost hit on it before, but I’ve got it now:
We had two different ideas of the kind of relationship that we were in or the place that we were in our relationship. I felt that we were at a point where we were looking to form a long term relationship. That we were no longer necessarily checking whether this person possesses qualities that I’d want in a partner or whether this person has habits, personality, etc that I couldn’t live with, and were at the point where we were looking at things from a “are we compatible enough to make a relationship work”. Meaning do we resolve issues well together, compromise, provide adequate support for each other, etc.
I now think she was still at that prior point, evaluating me for the potential of long term and hadn’t gotten to the point where she would be evaluating our potential for sustaining a long term relationship. So, with that view of the situation, it makes some sense that I would be out of the loop where it comes to the decision making at that point. Effectively, for her, we were still in the dating phase of the relationship. Even though we’d labeled it as boyfriend/girlfriend, the meaning for her was more along the lines of exclusive dating, and not (as it was for me), moving on to the next stage of the relationship process.
So, while I will probably still feel hurt and anger and betrayal for a while, I think I understand. And I have learned. I need to do a much better job at communicating what I think and feel. Communication must extend beyond just using terminology, I need to explain what they mean to me, especially when the terms being used can be very ambiguous.