Yond Cassius has a Lean and Hungry Look

He thinks too much; such men are dangerous. Yes, we are. A curse of our birth.

Though perhaps I’ve been thinking too little. In my meeting with my adviser yesterday, in his roundabout way, he inveighed upon me to drastically step up my work effort on my dissertation. To be fair, I’ve been slacking. I keep thinking back towards my Masters and how much effort I put into it in the last few months, spending 12-16 solid hours a day for almost two months. I wonder what I’m missing now?

I suppose it is control and confidence. Then, I was pretty much in charge of everything that happened. I’d already published one conference and journal paper. I felt I had a good handle on the level of work necessary for the Masters, and I had feedback from my committee members. Even though my adviser was very hands off, I felt empowered and in control of what was going on. I was confident of the outcome of my defense and knew what I needed to accomplish to succeed and thus just worked towards that.

Even though we’ve discussed this, I still don’t feel completely confident in the current trajectory of my work. I keep thinking after it’s all done, the committee will want more. And for some reason, rather than getting through it to find out what little more they’d want, this fear or mental block or whatever it is is having the opposite effect. I end up stalling or only working in relatively short bursts.

When I was working full-time, there were times where I’d have projects or assignments that I didn’t necessarily feel that gung-ho about. But I’d plod through it, hour by hour, day by day and get it done. On time or early. I need to rekindle at least the plod through spirit here. Because in this home stretch, I don’t need that much inspiration or eureka moments. I just need the steady and continuous effort to work through what we’ve already planned and be done with it all.

Today I weighed in at 214.4lbs. I’m going to try NOT to think about it.


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